It all starts with my mother. I look for her in me. I look
at myself in the mirror and try to see her, but I don’t see her. She looks
nothing like what I’m seeing based on the descriptions I’ve been given. I
looked like my father, or so I’ve been told. I had his dark complexion, his
dark and deep eyes, and a mixture of their hair; his coarse and her straight
and soft hair. Mine was soft and curly.
I inherited her height, and her nose, I guess, because my dad’s nose looks
different than mine. But I don’t see her in me when I look in the mirror.
There’s no picture; just descriptions from relatives. No one knows where she
is. No one can even confirm whether she’s deceased or not; just rumors. I may not see her in me when I look at the
mirror, but I see her when I close my eyes. When I feel all the pain and
anguish inside me. When I feel the confusion, anger, and loneliness of this
world, I see her. I try to imagine being a teen mom, without a mother,
abandoned by family, and divorced. Yes, I can imagine that. I was 20 when I had a child, but nonetheless
I was just as alone. I don’t have a mother;
my father and his so-called family abandoned me too. But I live in a country
where I have opportunities. I am getting an education. I am aspiring to be a
physician ( Wow, the gall of me!) But her story was different. She didn’t have anything to feed me.
She said she contemplated on dumping me in a river out of frustration. I
thought about giving my son up for adoption because of all the chaos in my
life, and I thought it wasn’t fair for him to grow up without any family,
beside myself. But I couldn’t wonder about him for the rest of my life. I couldn’t
stomach the thought of him growing up and asking the same questions that I
asked. Why? What did I do to deserve to be abandoned? Why don’t I have a mother
that loves me, and holds me? Keeps me safe from the world? Why? I didn’t want
him to grow up angry…like me. There was
no one to save me, but I want to save him. I want him to know that he is loved.
I want to tell him everyday that I love him. I want to tell him that I am proud
of him. I want him to know that he is loved and wanted. No matter what anyone
else says, I love him and want him. I want him to have that safety and security
for the rest of his life. Everything that I didn’t have.
wow you're Amazing woman with a BEAUTIFUL smile that lights up the world, you're strong & Inspiring to all womankind, uplifting & encouraging to every human-being who is going through hard times. you have just told everyone of us their's always tomorrow. thank you Ifrah Aliawl you're Strong woman, i wish you grow up Diffently, but like they have said, our lives made us who we're today. You're now giving your SON his future, the live you never had. I wish you all the BEST & may Allah help you with everything you desire & keep you & you son safe... when I'm having a hard time I'll think of you macaan. Hodo
ReplyDeletemesmerizing, astounding and galactic- Its hard how we suppress our inner lives and wonder why we are all so much in pain. Here is an example to follow- you have shone a candle, no- a supernova in your darkness and are shining. Look at me..you have infected me I am even starting to sound like your words.
ReplyDeletePainful to read but kudos to you for conveying your grief so effectively and for breaking the chain so that your son has a mother growing up, I wish you both the best and as clichéd as it is, what doesn't break us makes us stronger.
ReplyDeleteAll of you are so wonderful, and I appreciate all the support and kindness. Wow. I could only hope that telling my story would not only be inspiring, but also enjoyable to read. Thank you so much!
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